Narrator: Has life got you down? Are you sick and tired of being pushed around by "The Man"? Does Mrs. Krumholtz give you too much homework on a Friday? Are you fed up with the fact that that 6- foot black guy is pushing you around in your weekly basketball pickup games with the boys just because he's genetically superior then you? Does your boss, Steve, ask you to work overtime just so he can go on holiday with that Swedish blonde he met at the bar the other night, with whom he is having an illicit affair with behind the backs of his wife, 2 young sons, and his Retriever named Frodo?! If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, then you are definitely in need of some help!
*queue awesome spinning graphics, ending with main title in bold, italic, underlined, shadowed, and marqueed*
The Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Social Anarchy. Now, your hosts, he brought you such memorable films like Delta Force, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Firewalker and executive producer and star of the hit TV series Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris! Also, from the fictional beaches of Baywatch, he brought you hits such as "Du", "Flying on the Wings of Tenderness", "Do the Limbo Dance", and everyone's favorite, "Jump In My Car", ladies and gents, the always hairy, David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Hello Chuck
Chuck Norris: Hello David
DH: You can call me Hoff, you know.
CN: I'd rather not. But, what I would like to talk about is my new instructional video, The Step-by-Step guide to Creating Social Anarchy. Ladies and Gents, after growing tired of years of slaying ninjas, dinosaurs, and Nazis while flexing and showing off my giant pectorals, I have finally grown tired of the limelight, the massive six figure checks, and the multitude of women who throw themselves at my feet. So instead of just lounging in my beach front property in Marina del Ray watching re-runs of my favorite TV shows on my 51-inch widescreen....
DH: Wow, Chuck, that is a big piece of equipm.....
CN: Shut up you hairy German! *Crowd breaks into sarcastic laughter* As I was saying, after growing tired of those earthly things, I decided to fly into the heart of Africa and feed the homeless. While on a trip to a remote village in Sierra Leone, my party was brutally attacked by a group of leftist rebels working for the government. They attempted to influence that tiny village and create a state of dominance over the village - Hegemony essentially. So,I, being THE Chuck Norris, grew tired of their constant shouting and threats of taking my life with the use of an old, rusty, machete. So, I slaughtered them all and left the village at peace.
DH: Wow, Chuck, what did the villagers ever do to repay you?
CN: Oh yes, I am now considered a god in that village and the villagers pay their respects to me through them providing me with a constant source of wheat and cattle. I just love my wheat and cattle, David.
DH: Yes you do, Chuck, yes you do.
CN: Don't procrastinate you skimpy red Speedo wearing Kraut! *Crowd breaks out in sarcastic laughter, once again, Chuck smiles at the camera* So anyway, with that little encounter I had with those rebels, I decided to make this video and show the people how to stand up to "your own personal rebels" and challenge these dominant forces through what I like to call Counter-Hegemony, and yes, I thought of the term all by myself. Clever aren't I?
DH: Wow,Chuck, tell me more about this "Counter-Hegemony" of yours.
CN: Well, I was, until you interrupted me.
DH: It was rhetorical Chuck, it mas meant to interest the audience in your product.
CN: Yes, David!! I knew that!! So anyway, I am tired of all these large groups of people who are completely dominant over those little people. More importantly, The Media. Now, The Media feeds us all these, for lack of a better term, and kids, closer your eyes and cover your ears before I say it, bullshit, that creates all these false misconceptions about life. Girls can drive, Asians can too. Not all black people are pimps and/or professional athletes. Hispanic people are good at mowing my lawn, yes! But most of them can also wrestle professionally. And most importantly, I, Chuck Norris, am not a killing machine. In fact, I am a loving person, filled with love, compassion, and of course, love.
DH: You already said love, Chuck.
*Chuck delivers a roundhouse kick to the Hoff's sternum*
*Crown laughs hysterically at David*
CN: Yes, I know. As I was saying, society today is filled with all these misconceptions and people are slowly turning into zombies, continuously believing in them. I, Chuck Norris, intend to change all of that. So without further ado, here is my step-by step guide to create your little heaven of social anarchy.
Step 1: Spot the Hegemonic Device
CN: Note the "Hegemonic" rhymes with demonic. Spot a common misconception and give it a taste of their own medicine! Fight it! Like what I did in my 1986 film, Delta Force.
Step 2: Create your own band of Merrymen
CN: Batman is not Batman without Robin. Chuck Norris is not Chuck Norris if Chuck Norris doesn't have Chuck Norris' insured Chuck Norris beard. And finally, Robin Hood wasn't Robin Hood without his Merrymen! That's right, grab a group of your friends, hopefully men, because girls fail at creating anarchy, to make up your little band of misfits. You will need these misfits to get the counter-hegemonic ball rolling. Corollary: If you must recruit a woman, she may serve as the official cook, spokeswoman, or official costume maker of the group. But NEVER as the getaway driver.
Step 3: The Public Sphere
CN: You must create a haven for you and your little band of misfits. Somewhere where you can talk about anything without interruption. Somewhere where all of your opinions may be voiced out without fear of being put down. Somewhere where there is no name-calling and where discourse isn't one sided and is ultimately equal. And No!! your parents' basement does not count. Please, have a little style when it comes to step 3. Here, you shall talk about how you will respond to the moral injustices of society and the imbalances that are happening in everyday life. Finally, you shall refer to this Public Sphere, whether it may be a tree house or underground cave, as your "Lair".
Step 4: Attack with the utmost fury of an eagle, the prowess of a lion, and the grace of a butterfly
CN: Once you step out of your "Lair", you shall attack the sources of the cultural hegemony. THE MEDIA! They have fed society lies for too long! Do so with the fury of an eagle, clawing at anything that gets in your way. The skill and prowess of a lion, dastardly being one step ahead of those rent-a-cops trying to get in your way. And most importantly, the grace of a butterfly, because if you fail, you can go "Hey, at least I looked good doing it." And more importantly than the most importantly, if you do fail, you do not know me.
*David looks at Chuck with a stare of bewilderment*
DH: WOW. *looks at camera* uhm, order now...
Narrator: Yes! That's right order Chuck Norris' Step-by-Step to Creating Social Anarchy for the low, low price of 59.99! Order today, and receive a copy of Chuck Norris' autobiography "Against All Odds", written by the man himself, and a copy of David Hasselhoff's album "David Hasselhoff Sings America" ABSOLUTELY FREE! That's right! Order today!
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